A Blessing and a Curse

  I remember the first time someone told me I was a genius. I thought that was absurd. I was a terrible student in school. One of the worst in class sometimes. I was one of those students that the 80's traumatized because they didn't know enough about ADD and high functioning autism, to spot me and give the help I needed.

  Because I was constantly put down by teachers and comparing myself to my friends and sister, who were always the best students- I came to the conclusion that I was stupid and it took decades for me to shake off that feeling of inferiority.

  It wasn't just in the classroom that I discovered how different I was from other kids. It was on the playground and during sleepovers. Even at church I just didn't quite fit in. My own best friends would scold me at times, for things I didn't understand as "being bad", or for being honest about things I didn't think of as hurtful or were meant to be kept confidential.

  Now that I've come into my forties I have finally reached a place of self acceptance. Mind you, I didn't come to this place simply due to the aging process. I had to do a lot of hard work on myself and went through many destructive phases along the way. But the one thing that helped me finally get to where I am now is knowing why I was the kind of child, teenager, and young adult that I was.

  I wish everyone could have the chance of experiencing that moment when every single fragmenting thing "wrong" with you, finally merges into one, and you become a whole person. When everything suddenly makes sense, and you get to give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up about everything or trying to hide behind all the social masks you've made so that others won't feel weird about you.

  You get to feel blessed because as it turns out- you're far more intelligent than you ever realized. People weren't just blowing smoke up your ass when they called you a genius. There's this connection to the reasons behind your learning style, how you navigate the world around you, and of course- there's also certain gifts you possess in your aspie toolbox that others might have misunderstood, and made you feel were negative traits, that turn out to be useful ones.

  People on the autistic spectrum tend to be hyper-focused on their special interests. They therefore, tend to do way more research than the average person on said interests. I'm not going to put autism in a nice neat box for you, but I do believe that all autistic people show the hyper-focus I speak of. Then there are individual gifts. I'm not going to attempt to list examples of the gifts of others like me, but I will tell you what I know of my own.

  It's no secret to anyone who's known me for a while that I have a very analytical mind; critical or judgmental some might say. A total cynic. But actually, one of my most noticeable gifts is the ability to read patterns. More specifically: behavior patterns, weather patterns, cultural patterns, etc.
This is how I understand the world around me. It's like being able to read code or being a math wiz. As a result, I tend to be very accurate in my assessment of people and cultures or what say... next year's weather will probably look like in the area I happen to be living in at the time.

  But because most people need to believe you have to really get to know someone before you sum them up- they tend to view me as a "Negative Nancy" or an angry critic. And that's where I still have to grapple with the feeling of being cursed from time to time, because I can't change my autism. I can and have changed many destructive behaviors that came with not understanding why the world was always stressing me out, and why other humans overwhelm me. But there are some things that are out of my control to change, and I've had to come to accept that many people will misunderstand, and not see my particular talents as useful.

  Thankfully I now have enough faith in my worth to see my gifts as more of a blessing than a curse. For one- it strengthens my writing abilities when sketching out key characters, to be able to have people in real life so well pegged. And second- it's helped many a manager in the work force recognize their weakest links- and either learn how to strengthen them, or know it's time to let them go. I've also served as an armchair psychologist to many a friend and relative, and helped many an ex lover choose a better career path for themselves (LOL)!

  And here's the thing I want to leave you with- what I really want people to understand about my ability to see people for exactly who they are and what they're capable of. It's not all the bad I tend to add up. I am quite capable of separating the negative traits that might say- make someone a bad choice for a higher position at work, or an absolute catastrophe as an employee, from the positive qualities in that same person that would make me want to nurture a deeper friendship with them, once I no longer have to put up with them as a co-worker.

  When I'm stressed and heading for autistic burnout- I tend to focus more on threats and complain incessantly about the negative. That doesn't mean I dislike, reject, or hate any of these people. In fact I think it's the exact opposite. I care very much about the people around me. Sometimes to my detriment. And because of that I have to protect myself and others from harm I can do when I'm at my lowest point- while at the same time releasing pressure that can do more damage than good in the long run. And really, the bottom line is- I'm still learning and growing like everyone else; trying to be me in a society that still prefers the mask.