Running Out of Time



  I'm just going to say this as plainly as anyone can. I am disappointed with my life.


   I know I'm not supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to count my blessings, and think about all those children starving in third world countries who still find a reason to smile. If I just stop long enough to think about how much better I have it than them, right?
 
  But the truth is, I am staring. I've been starving my whole life. Not from lack of food... though I know what that feels like. It's more like... my soul has been starving. I bet you know what I'm talking about. Maybe you keep chanting some kind of mantra that keeps you from feeling it entirely, but you know it's eating you up.


  Didn't I have children who could fill up that void completely? How could I be so ungrateful?
Am I saying that they were not enough to fill my heart to capacity? Shouldn't I feel my life's work was completed the moment I became a mother?
  My children gave me a reason to fight for my own life. I love them without question. They could turn to murder and walk in the shadows of a miscreant existence, and I would feel the deepest of affection for them. It is not that I do not love.
 
  Have I not felt the wonders of God's great creation? Don't I catch my breath when I see the magic of a sunset unfold or listen to the tide roll in at midnight, while thunder lights up the blackness of a great abyss?
  My eyes have been adequately fed. I have led a very rich, visual life.

  Have my ears not heard Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata? Undoubtedly, I have had full use of all my senses. Enough to be tormented by them.

  Didn't I get to know what it was like to be beautiful? To have eyes move over me like fingers over the keys of a piano? Wasn't I soft on the eyes to men and women alike? Is it not enough to be desired so easily, to not have to speak a word or dazzle with charisma?

  And of course... the greatest question of any mortal life--- don't you have a soulmate?
How lucky am I to have a great love that doesn't cast me aside in favor of his own selfish pursuits? Yes, even he fills my heart to capacity. So why hasn't this disappointment subsided?

  I've been told that Jesus will keep chasing after me. Never giving up hope that I'll surrender completely. But you know you still have to fight, don't you? You don't get to close your eyes and go limp in the arms of some angel. But hey...you're fighting for everything you get to have once you finally die! Isn't that fucking magical?

  The Earth is billions of years old, but what is time, really? A blink of an eye? A sigh? No, that's my life.






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